I was complacent for many years. I had a pretty good job, I saved money, I bought a house I restored a a vehicle I liked. I landscaped my yard, I painted the rooms of my house the way I wanted, I had a nice tv, I paid my bills on time and I could do whatever I wanted.
In that opening I used the letter I, as in referring to myself, 13 times. Therein lies the problem. Everything was about me and what was happening in my life. There was no sharing or generosity. No one really mattered except for myself. At least not enough to let someone into my life. People wanted to get in but it just never happened.
My regular friends who are beautiful to me were always there. Some even told me to expand my horizons, get out of my comfort zone. Go out, do things, meet people. “you are a catch” I’ve been told. You own a house and have a great job. I was always afraid, not so much of meeting people but of change. Giving up my valuable time and freedoms that been had earned.
So the course remained steady. Work and more work save and save some more. Be responsible, pay the bills , mow the lawn. Complacency at its very best. Stay the course and nothing bad can happen. Put the money in the bank, show up to work on time, do your job each day, come home have some dinner watch some tv play some video games and start all over the next day.
It was a cocoon lifestyle which was embraced. A long distance friend whom had been around for years would ask me from time to time “Are you happy?” My answer would usually be ” I’m not unhappy”. Maybe because happiness was a mystery to me. It wasn’t allowed, it was too dangerous. It was easier to go through life numb and unfeeling than to take the chance of being happy.
She was an amazing and wonderful woman whom I had never even met in person yet we could talk endlessly on the phone. She offered me the world but never accepted her invitations. She offered to bring me all over the country if not the world, South Carolina, Florida ,California, Las Vegas, Mexico and even Vietnam.
Opportunities that will never be offered to me again. My mindset was all about normalcy and complacency, go to work, pay the bills, mow the lawn.
Eventually she stopped trying. We stopped talking and things went on and on as usual. Work, bills, lawn.
The rug was pulled out from under me at work. The rules changed. The system changed and it was decision time. When they announced the changes at work I knew within the first minute it was over. The opportunity was given to adapt and even prosper under the right circumstances, yet the offer was not right for me.
Sadly, that was what made me change my life, not the offer of love but the lack of stability. It was the biggest change and risk that had ever been taken. The results of that abrupt and almost violent change in lifestyle are yet to be determined. The fact that I am sitting here writing this blog is a move in the right direction. The fact that I have created paintings, cartoons, photos, reconnected with old friends, opened my heart to the good and bad allows me to know the possibility to live exists.
more than ten years of a cold heart can be thawed and brought back to life if you open your life to that opportunity.